Martha's Handy AIRLINE Travel Tips

In dealing with airlines, I can offer you the following handy tips from my years of experience:

Are you encountering a problem?  Throw up your arms and run screaming out of the terminal, toss yourself in front of a Hertz shuttle, and hope it crushes your head.  If that's not an option, try finding an employee that looks downtrodden and broken.  You can plead your case, but don't expect much in these trying times.  

First, check your bags curbside if possible and make sure they have the right city they're to end up.  It will be on your claim tag that you must have.  If you don't have them, don't leave!  Kick the skycap in the shins until they give you your claim checks. Now you can give him his 50 cent tip.

Security clearance is a pain for everyone, especially on international flights.  Just schlep through and keep your mouth shut and your shoes off.  Do not challenge the TSA people.  Remember that they are trained government sanctioned law enforcement officials making slightly more than a teenager asking if you want fries with that.  If they give you much guff, you can always pull out your concealed weapon and either shoot or stab them and then run to your gate.

Bumped from a flight?  Don't settle for the first thing they offer.  They usually start with peanuts and work their way up to a round trip flight.  You might even want to hit them up for some cash and a meal voucher.  If they still won't let you on, they must reschedule you on another airline or their next flight.  Here is my favorite airline tip:  Always carry with you the DOT list of what an airline must comply with if they bump you.  Still having problems with them not getting you on a convenient flight?  Call their 800 number and talk to an agent.  Forget the customer service counters because that is the last thing you'll get. These rules do NOT apply to Southwest Airlines and a couple of others. When you fly SWA, you're on your own. 

Once you finally make it to your center seat with a heifer on one side and a screaming child on the other, my suggestion is not to suffer.  If the child is misbehaving, reach in your carry-on and whip out a wad of cheesecloth to stuff in their little gullet and use the duct tape to adhere the child to the seat.  For the large cow on your right, engulf yourself in Jungle Gardenia and Jovan Musk until she moves or passes out. If she does pass out, gently push her in the aisle and roll her to the lavatory. Personally, I find that taking 12 Valium and consuming a quart of vodka I've smuggled aboard helps me sleep through the flight.  End of that problem!

What?  My luggage is missing!  Big deal, it happens every day and more than once.  Immediately go stand in the line that wraps around the terminal at least 3 times and make your way to the front, whining all the while.  Once you reach the counter, don't forget to scream at the agent and call them naughty names.  After all, it is THAT PERSON'S fault.  I like to slip in my pair of tiger eye cosmetic contact lenses for that extra intimidating look.  Demand that they find your luggage right now!  That always works.  If for some reason it doesn't, make sure you fill out the all of the forms and contact information.  Don't forget to ask for your free RON kit. If and when they locate your bags, they will probably ask that you come down and pick them up yourself.  Not only do you laugh hysterically at this remark, but you tell them to deliver them and ASAP.  They will, they have to, but they don't want to.  If it's beyond 24 hours from your arrival, you are entitled to some hard cash.  Don't pass that up.

Repeat this process upon your return flight and everything should go smoothly.  If not, take the train.

Seriously, if you do encounter problems always remember to treat the employees with respect, try to reason another solution, and never lose your temper. If you've tried all of these recommendations, you may resort to my final advice and that is to shoot them until they're dead. Then run.